One Mind Two Masters
by dragonprincess1988
Summary: Raph has been having terrible nightmares ever since he was mind controlled by The Shredder.


He dreams about it almost every night…about watching helplessly as that disgusting worm burrows its way into his brain. He feels every horrifying second of it as its swirling razor sharp teeth drills into his head, as if it's happening all over again. The agonizing pain is only marginally worse than the fear of being held down by his one-time best friend. He tries so hard not to scream out, but he can't stop that anymore than he can stop the serum infused worm from crawling around inside his head. The sound of the worm's squirming movements is nearly deafeningly loud, despite his screams of terror and pain. He's shaking so bad that Raph knows that if he wasn't strapped down, he'd be on his hands and knees on the floor, unable to stand on his own.

This should be the worst of it - the worst part of the whole incident - and yet, it's not. The fear and pain can't even begin to touch on the sickening and terrifying images in his head of him bowing to The Shredder, and then proceeding to attack his family. It would be bad enough if it ended there, but it never does. It doesn't matter that when he awakes Raph knows that it's over and that Leo managed to break through the mind control and bring him back, because in his dreams that doesn't happen.

Instead of Leo invoking his rage, Raph continues to feel that numb emptiness where his emotions should be as he attacks, ruthlessly and relentlessly, ignoring his brothers' cries of pain and pleas for him to stop until there's nothing but the broken bodies of his brothers lying at his feet. Blood drips from the blades of his claw-like weapons, and Raph desperately wants to cry out at the horrifyingly grotesque images of his brothers' blood coated, twisted forms, lying horrifyingly still in a crumpled heap, but he still can't feel a thing beyond the cold nothingness.

Distantly, Raph can hear Shredder's praise at what he's done, and no matter how much it disgusts him to have that man place a hand on his shoulder, Raph can do nothing but endure it. It isn't until Shredder drags out Master Splinter and throws him down at Raph's feet that Raph begins pleading inside his own head for this all to end. Splinter stares in horror of what Raphael has done and begs for his son to stop this…to fight whatever is making him do this. However, Raph has never been particularly good at following his father's orders, and he knows that this time will be no different…no matter how much he wishes that it was. Shredder laughs as he once again orders Raphael to kill. Effortlessly, Raph raises his weapons, and still feels nothing as he plunges the already bloody blades into his father's chest.

Raph kneels in front of Shredder hoping that this will be the end of it…that the man will just kill him too, but Raph knows that it's a kindness that The Shredder isn't willing to give him. Instead, Shredder has him taken away and strapped down to the metal slab once again. He knows what's going to happen next. After all, it's the same every single time, and still he fears it more now than ever. He tries to look away. He doesn't want to watch what's about to happen, but he's forced to every single time. There's someone standing in the shadows directly in front of him holding a pair a medical tongs. The person in front of him changes every time, sometimes it's Stockman, sometimes it Tiger Claw, sometimes it's The Shredder himself, but the procedure remains the same.

They place a mirror in front of him, so that Raph can see his blank expression and those dead whiteout eyes, and then the person holding the metal tongs moves to his side. The light hanging over his head is almost too bright, but Raph knows who it is instantly. Tonight, it's The Shredder and those are always the worst nights. They last the longest and are always the most painful. He has another tool his hand that he uses to dig around inside Raph's head, searching for the worm, and Raph stares at his reflection the whole time, seeing the joy on The Shredder's face as he digs a scalpel into Raph's skull.

The pain is excruciating and Raph doesn't even bother trying to hold back his screams. It feels like an eternity before Shredder finds the worm and uses the tongs to grab a hold of it. Agonizingly slowly, Shredder begins to pull the worm out. Inch by inch that the worm is removed Raph can feel his emotions and control return to him, but he doesn't want them. He watches with revulsion as his eyes slowly morph from white back to his vibrant green, and with it comes a flood of emotion. The guilt and heartbreak of being the one who killed his family slowly consumes him and Raph can't hold back his tears. He can hear Shredder laughing at his anguish, but Raph doesn't care. The only thing that he wants now is to be with his family, but he knows that it won't happen. After all, it never does.

"This is your fault. You killed your own family. You're weak and this is what your weakness has wrought. Live with what you've done, monster!" The words may come out of The Shredder's mouth, but Raph knows his father's and brothers' voices anywhere.

He doesn't argue. He can't argue. He's drowning in the pain and just wants so desperately for it all to stop. "Kill me! Just kill me!"

The Shredder laughs once again. "Death is a release - one you do not deserve." Still, he speaks with the voices of Raph's family.

Tears stream down Raph's face, because he knows that The Shredder is right. "It has to end!"

Shredder turns his back on him. "It never will."

"No! Stop! No!" Raph screams, but no one listens. The room slowly clears out - the foot bots that he hadn't even noticed before silently following their master - and Raph watches in horror as they leave him there. He feels like he's suffocating. He doesn't want to feel…doesn't want to remember what he did. He needs to break free. He needs to get away, but he can't. He just wants it all to, "Stop!"

Raph is torn from the dream by the sound of his own voice. He lies on his bed panting for a few moments, but the idea of lying still reminds him too much of being strapped down to that metal slab, so he gets up and starts pacing around his room. It doesn't help. The room is too small. There's not enough space…not enough noise, because he swears he can hear the squirming of a worm. He feels like his skin is too tight and he needs out, so Raph opens the door and heads for the TV. He just needs something to drown out the noise.

He has no idea what time it is, but everyone is still asleep, so he turns the sound down low and just sits in front of the screen. He wants so badly to punch something, but the last thing Raph needs right now is to wake everyone with the sound of him beating on his punching bag. He stares blankly at the screen, trying desperately to block out the dream, but he can't. He swears he can still feel his brothers' warm tacky blood coating his entire body. He shudders and shakes his head, shutting his eyes tight and tries to just breathe. It's just a stupid nightmare…nothing more.

He doesn't know how much time has passed since he turned on the TV, but he can feel someone sitting beside him, and Raph knows that if he doesn't deal with everything going on inside his head in a really big hurry, he's going to have bigger problems to deal with than some stupid nightmares…like an extremely worried brother. He turns and nearly groans when he sees Leo sitting beside him. "Why are you up so early?"

If it was Don, Raph could just lie and say he was feeling nauseous, though after that dream it's not really a lie. If it was Mikey, Raph could just shrug and say he wasn't really tired, but it's Leo, and Leo would never fall for either of those lies. Raph doesn't want to tell him the truth. He can't even bring himself to say the words, so he does what he always does with Leo. Raph scoffs and turns away. "Why do you care?"

Leo places a hand on Raph's shoulder, and Raph has to almost physically stop himself from removing it. Instead, he focuses on all of the ways that Leo's hand is different from The Shredder's to calm himself down. They feel nothing alike. Leo has fewer fingers, but his hand is larger. Even the heat is different, and yet his brain continues to conjure up the image of Shredder's grip on him…praising him. "Raph, I heard you screaming in your room."

Raph tenses and shakes his head as if to clear it. He figures he can still get out of this. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

Leo tugs Raph towards him, forcing Raph to actually look at him, and all Raph can see is Leo's terror and distress. "When my brother is screaming, 'Kill me! Just kill me!' you can bet I'm going to worry. What's going on?"

Raph looks away again as the dream starts coming back to him all over again. He doesn't know that he's shaking until he feels Leo's arms wrap around him, but it feels too much like the straps of that metal slab. He tries to get away, but he can't. After all, he never can. It's going to happen all over again, and there's nothing that he can do to stop it. It has to stop. He can't do this again. He can't stand the thought of that worm crawling around inside his head and he can't watch them die again. He can't handle being the one who kills them. The image of their broken bodies flashes before his eyes and Raph can't hold back the bile as he vomits all over the floor.

Leo is there, rubbing soothing circles over his shell and shushing him. "It's okay, Raph. You're okay. We're home. There's no worm inside of you. We got it out. It's okay."

Raph doesn't even understand what Leo is saying at first. All he can hear is that worm burrowing its way into his head again, but after a while Leo's mantra starts to make sense. Raph feels like a moron. He didn't even realize that he was speaking out loud during his mental breakdown until Leo started speaking, and now he doesn't know what to do. He feels like a stupid child. It's a long moment before Raph even attempts to glance at his brother and when he does what he sees makes his stomach churn. Leo looks absolutely terrified and there's nothing Raph can do about it.

He pushes away from Leo, trying to put some distance between them, so he can get himself under control. "It's fine. I'm fine."

Leo shakes his head. "You're really not. Why didn't you tell us about all of this?" He gestures widely at Raph's whole body.

Raph turns away from him, unable to stand Leo's concerned expression any longer. "They're just stupid dreams. I'm fine."

Leo steps in front of him, and Raph recognizes the move. He's blocking off Raph's exit in case he decides to bolt. "It's obviously more than just a bad dream. Talk to us…talk to me. Please, Raph." The last two words come out as a whispered plea.

Raph doesn't think he's ever heard Leo beg like that, except in his nightmares, and it sends a shiver through his whole body. He runs a hand over his face and tries to block everything out. He doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't even want to think about it. He just wants to forget the whole damn incident ever happened, but he can't deny any of his brothers when they are looking at him the way Leo is now. He can't refuse any of their pleas, not with that dream still lingering in his mind. "It hurt, Leo. It hurt so damn much, but the pain was never the worst of it."

The two of them sit down right there in the middle of the floor, and Leo listens intently to everything Raph has to say in a way that they haven't done in years. Raph doesn't know if he should feel comforted by the fact that, for once, Leo isn't saying anything, or if this is just another sign of how screwed up everything is. When Raph runs out of words, Leo pulls him into a hug that Raph couldn't escape from, even if he wanted to. "I'll never let him touch you again. I promise, little brother. You're safe. There are no more worms inside of you."

Leo releases him from the hug as Raph shakes his head and glances down at his own hands. "It's not The Shredder I'm worried about. It's _me_. I'm the danger here."

Leo grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him. "No, you're not! You didn't hurt us."

Raph pushes Leo's hands off of him as he gets to his feet. "But I could have!" He knows he's screaming and he should probably stop before he disturbs the rest of his family, but Raph just can't force himself to be quiet right now. "I wanted to! I followed his orders without even fighting. I just gave in, Leo. Don't you get it! I gave in!"

Leo gets to his feet as well, trying desperately to calm his brother. "It wasn't your fault. You didn't have a choice."

"So what?" Raph throws his hands in the air out of frustration. "When has that ever stopped me before? The one time that it mattered…the one time I was supposed to fight, and I just didn't."

Leo shakes his head again and stares at him sorrowfully. "It wasn't like that and you know it."

"How the heck do you know? Raph growls out angrily, finally allowing all of his pent up frustration out. "That worm wasn't inside your head. You don't know anything about it! Perfect Leonardo doesn't have a fear of bugs! Perfect Leonardo would never attack his family…no matter what! Perfect Leonardo didn't bow to The Shredder. " The last sentence comes out as a harsh whisper as Raph turns away once again. His hands are clenched into tight fists and his breathing is heavy. Raph refuses to even look at his brother. Instead, his eyes are glued to the dojo. He didn't tell anyone about that last part for a reason, and now that it's out in the open, Raph feels more lost than ever.

He doesn't even register Leo's hand on his arm until there's a sharp tug and he's being spun around and pulled into another embrace. "It's okay. No one blames you. It wasn't your fault. You didn't want to follow his orders. We know that. It's why you got so angry when I insinuated that you did. Everything's gonna be alright."

Raph tries to get out of the hug a few times, but, when it becomes evident that Leo isn't going to let him go any time soon, Raph slumps into his brother's arms, exhausted and unable to argue anymore. He hasn't slept properly in…he doesn't remember how long, and it's starting to catch up to him now. "It's not okay." It's the only thing that Raph can even think to say right now.

He can feel Leo's grip tighten ever so slightly. "Maybe not yet, but it will be. We'll talk to Don in the morning about ways to combat your nightmares, and until then I'll be here."

Raph nods and lets Leo help drag him off to his room. He lays down uninterested in returning to sleep, despite how utterly fatigued he is, but Leo apparently wasn't kidding when he said he was staying. He climbs into Raph's bed, right alongside his brother, and refuses to let Raph get up. "Go to sleep, little brother."

Raph shakes his head, but he can't deny how worn-out he is. The pillow is soft and he's nice and warm, and before he can stop himself his eyes drift close. He blinks himself awake a few times, but it isn't long before he finds himself drifting off to sleep, despite his fears, knowing that Leo will keep his promise, because Leo always does.

The End


End file.
